The difference between sleep, & insomnia.

There are two strange things that happen to me when I finally sleep. Random memories from my childhood that I never knew I remembered return to me in dreams. I hate them, because they're nightmares. If you ever wondered why I suffer from such severe insomnia, this is why I fail to sleep. And whenI do finally, in my exhaustion manage to pass out, my mind does not. My mind never does. My dreams are wild and untamed windows into some of my most dreaded moments. In a subconscienceness my mind is unguarded against the horrible truths and painful scars that haunt me. That I've tried so hard to suppress. Against confessions I never thought I'd admit. Memories of these are in perfect focus and clear as crystal, just when I thought that I had erased them completely, at the very least made them fuzzy and staticky like a bad reception. Enough so that I wouldn't recognize a vision even if something triggered it. I'm deathly afriad to sleep in the night. I almost never do. I am only inclined in the slightest to sleep at all when I see evidence of a sunrise on my closet doors. Perhaps it has something to do with things that happened to me in the night when I was small. I try so hard to forget; it is to no avail. Your mind can run away with you if you're not watching. That's what I attempt to do, I try to watch over myself. Keep myself from remembering, because no one else can help me. No one can save me. In my dreams, I am very much alone.

The second peculiar occurrance is that I can see into the future. Odd, this I know, and I also know that you may be skeptical. At first I thought I was going crazy. Completely insane. Almost every day I am struck with a feeling of deja vous. I dream them first and think wow, that was a totally random thing to conjure up and then sooner or later they actually happen. And I'll just know, something will trigger it. It could be a smell or a place, a flash of light, pain even. And I'll just know what people will say next. What someone will do, what will happen - because I've been there before. I don't know why, it doesn't seem to have a purpose. As of yet they are just entire moments of randomness. Their cause is floating around in space somewhere. But there must be some point to it all. Why would I be given such useless information? I don't know. I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposd to do with it. A forward glimpse into people's actions and reactions. Sounds crazy.





A look into the tangled web of Marie's brain. I thank you most graciously for reading.

New Year's 2006..

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? I found people that actually believe my SAT score even though I am a fumbling idiot.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I tend not to make them anymore because I know I'll eat them anyway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Well, the only person I know of is Javi, but she's not close to me... I mean we all know Mandi's probably a candidate here but she's got tons of illegitimate children, so who cares we're not counting anymore.

4. Did anyone close to you die? John White, R.I.P.

5. What countries did you visit? Well, I happened to venture into my wardrobe one dreadful rainy day, didn't trip over any moth balls or balls of any kind for that matter on the way in (pity), disturbed some peacfully hanging dead animal coats in there, got poked in the eye by a pine needle after I had been walking for some time and eventually came to realize I had stumbled into Narnia..?! Then, just for kicks, I called out Edmund's name 'cause i think he's hot, but he never answered. Now isn't that a dropkick in the love maker. I can't shake it anymore, it's so sad. I'll just have to shake something else in the meantime and hope it does the job. I'll just wait and see if love makers can be regenerated, or if in some way can regenerate themselves, although I have a haunting suspicion that they do not. Thanks you stupid dumb closet, you killed my dreams.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? I would realllllly really like to NOT have stalkers, that'd be nice..yes. Dear Lord no more oppression for my black brothers and - hahaha what am I talking about SLAVERY! I APPROVE!!!

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January - New Year's. aka week of crazy Big Dan-hosted parties... goodness

February - my no-longer-jailbait-but-not-quite-legal-yet birthday yeah it sucked.

March - endless dance shows, as usual.. Riverdance!

April - An Rince Mor Spring Celebration<3 (ALSO "Spring Break....wooo.")

May - my first victory in Prelim :D

June - Dancing on stage with the Prodigals, the Patchogue House parties, my second victorious win qualifying me for Open Championship! yeyyy but most regrettably not in time for Nationals :(

July - Floridaaa...thereby missing, tragically, The Week of Insanity at the O'Donnells, and wishing I was at Nationals instead of this cheery sunny state of hell where sunburn attacks and annoying surfer boys hit on you every .005876587 of a second

August - rest in peace John White, goodbyes at Borders

September - Senior year begins oh love. Rediscover long lost school friends. Walk on the school roof at 3am in my underwear. Rediscover that I should be specially educated.

October - Chris Mayer lights Evan's entire backyard and himself on fire. ahhhhhh! I make a cheese sandwich 'cause I'm drunk(? surprise, surprise) and don't realize people and foliage and pools (yes, pools) are on fire. But thank God, he's alright.
gosh, Halloween. crashing crazy parties. alot of basement fog, de-rooting plants near basement window and proceeding to throw plants dirt and all into basement, party #1 shut down by mom, ghostbusters, scary people, pimps 'n hoes (as in I'm Mandi's P.I.M.P. and she be skankin' her ass and making me some cold hard cash), party #2 Kitchen Utensil war, keg, exploding light sticks, meeting the Milano cavalry hahaha oh my God what a night.

November - Thanksgiving Weekend ...you always remember the Oireachtas :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finally qualifying for Open, omg! I've worked so long for this, I've dreamed of this moment, lived in fear that I would never live to see it..

9. What was your biggest failure? Just missing the cutoff date for Nationals, living in fear, losing myself to someone, not saying what I should've told you, letting you go..

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Ahhh yes, the hospital staff knows me. I set up my own ivs and take my own vitals. And I would always go home and go to a feis the next day lolollll

11. What was the best thing you bought? Without a doubt! little Paul's Secret Santa. The smile on his face was the best present I could ever recieve, ever.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don't know, I love you ALL

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mine at times, honestly. I like making myself depressed, sometimes i wallow in it. Rick's, like that's business as usual, but he can't help it he's a bastard. Mum for calling me fat every day. Michelle, for snorting crack and not caring. haha I guess what I'm trying to say here is...the family.

14. Where did most of your money go? To buying whores what I never have money this question is inapplicable.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Winning competitions, almost going to Nationals, being with my friends, placing at Oireachtas!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? ohh pssht God, there are several: the Whistle Song (san..tana...AYE!), Golddigger (She gotta bigass for' a white grrrrrl!), the Whisper Song (wait'll you see my SHIT!), Cascada (it's a rather disturbing addiction), every damn song from RENT (it's an obsession, I know all the lyrics by heart and I can sing the entire score. but then again I tend to do that with movies..)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? I have never been (and probably will never be) as happy as I was this time last year.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter, because last year I stopped eating..
iii. richer or poorer? "Oh, I got money, honey." ((snaps like oh-don't-go-there)) hahaaha Paul!!! bless you child, you still remember that! Yeah I've been poor and I still am lol. (Mandi must be slacking off, I'm lacking in income, rofls)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd realized what I had before it was gone or too late.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being an old lady and having illegitimate children.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Running around carolling and bringing about good cheer! no. First of all it already happened, and second of all it sucked ass.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? This is a weird situation. It's more like, still...

23. How many one-night stands? 897634985634975638659384592365982364596 of them. Shut up, I'm spreading AIDS awareness. or maybe I'm just spreading AIDS. Sorry if I caught ya, just pick up an HIV test from Evan Larocca he's got loads. It won't necessarily keep you from dying, but it will however determine whether you're a nigger or not. It's a good bit of information to know when you plan on walking around places and don't want to get shot.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Well I started watching reruns of Wildfire and I actually kinda like it?? I also pride myself on Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place because they're great to make fun of, and Saved By the Bell every damn morning to distract me while my mum and sister are fighting.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Several people who hate me for no reason and compare themselves to me tend to make me dislike them.

26. What was the best book you read? iuhdfvliuhslghlhiug oh wow books I love them

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? RENT!

28. What did you want and get? a trip to the moon

29. What did you want and not get? my dignity?!

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Sin City, RENT!, "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!!!!", Ninja Turtles number twooo (go ninja go ninja go! ninja ninja rrrrrrrap!)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to Dan's house (why?), drove around with Mandi and Javi and a bunch of potheads (again, whyy?? I ask) to the beach where it started to snow (the only highlight of my night), counted down the minutes to 12 am, went home crawled in a corner and cried. And wished myself Happy Birthday. and then I turned 17.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not feeling like I wanted to shoot myself, not missing my friends that I love

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? poodlesox plaid shorts and
now everything an rince mor clothing whahaa!

34. What kept you sane? But I am NOT sane!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Padraig mwahahaha, Edmund, sexy-face-guy from Riverdance.. oh the rest of them are girlss...

36. What political issue stirred you the most? mmmha! I do not stir for political issues. If they haff an issue, they can just grab a damn tissue, or well... it's just too damn bad. A nose in need deserves Puffs, indeed.

37. Who did you miss? Erin and Kerri and all the away-people.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Have you met my imaginary friend, Charmelious Henri Genstent VII ??

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: "procrastination is like masterbation. if you wait too long you miss out, and in the end you're just fucking yourself." aaahahaha WTF.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The heart may freeze
or it can burn,
The pain will ease
if I can learn,
There is no future
there is no past,
I live this moment as my last..

There's only us,
There's only this
Forget regret,
or life is your's to miss
No other path,
No other way
No day but today...