If you actually read this, you're crazy (and if you're not crazy already, it'll make you crazy).

Tomorrow could be gone. I'm just troubled that the end could come too soon, before I've had a chance to discover what it means to be alive. Right now I'm not sure where I'm going with my life at all, maybe it's because I'm afriad to make a move perchance it leads me down a road in the wrong direction. I don't want to live in fear. I want to find something out there that makes sense of me. How do you find meaning in a world of chaos? Hidden meaning within the the confusion is a hard concept to grasp, but if you can find it in your life I guess you make more sense of other things than most people. People say that taking drugs can reveal yourself to yourself... well i suppose you'd have to be high to look in on yourself because it can drive you crazy. Do you ever really know yourself? I'm not so sure anybody has the courage to see within themselves, to admit their faults and weaknesses and the raw truth about what makes up a person. If you can't understand yourself then how can you possibly begin to understand the reason for the existence of others, and everyone's relation to each other. I'm sure the explanation for everything lies within the relation of everyone to each other, and their interaction. Life is a series of events according to the outcome of action and reaction. It is absolutely necessary to recognize that we are somehow all connected.

So what does it mean to be successful in this world. Money... power... beauty? Anything superficial? Does this kind of "success" according to society today give you meaning? The answer is an emphatic no. Ask yourself this question, honestly answer this if you do nothing else. I can only use my life as an example, because it is all I know with my heart to be true:

Do you know what how it feels to have a passion, to live every day with a fire burning in the pit of your stomach that just keeps you alive? Do you know what it feels like to express every freedom that is inside of you in that moment, to open your soul to the only thing that feels right in the world to expression? People don't realize the beauty of expression, of art, of love, of freedom. There is such beauty inside everything, beyond money, power, society's view of success and of what is beautiful. THEY ARE MISTAKEN. If you do not know what it feels like to express beauty and give out to the world then what are you doing?

On my path to discovering life so far I have come to realize at least one thing, and it is that I cannot sit in an office all day and type and be quiet and make money, doing the same thing over and over and waste my life away in a corporate office. Life is not about making money for me, and I can tell right away this is going to get me in alot of trouble. I'll most likely be found in 10 years as a starving artist because I will always refuse any kind of hindrance to my creativity. And I assure you my creative expression is endless lol. So basically if anybody was wondering what the fuck I was doing, besides trying to make a decision on what I want to do with myself (which will never happen seeing as I can't make even the simplest of decisions), I am waiting for something amazing to come along so I can run with it. It's not at all that I'm lacking conviction, when I feel strongly about something I believe in it with everything inside of me, but I'm just looking for something to believe in right now. Something that will help me make a difference. Who knows if this "thing" will come to me, perhaps it's inside myself but I just have to figure that out. But I'll tell you one thing, I hate sitting around waiting for something to come, it's not my style. I want to get out there into the world, I want people to know me and know what I feel, I want to give back. There's so much inside of me threatening to burst out at any minute, there's so much I haven't experienced. I suppose we all feel like that when it really comes down to it. I have to DO something, I can't just sit here, I've always always hated the feeling of "just sitting there". I don't want to be another face in the crowd, another person you pass on the street. I don't want to die and be forgotten. I'm not looking for glory, or fame, or superficial successes, I'm just looking for meaning. For myself, but for everyone really. I'm not even sure I'll be capable of comprehending even if I find all the answers, which I doubt. I'm just searching for a small part of sense in existence, maybe if I can find meaning in my life I can give meaning in the lives of others.

So there's alot of things that don't make sense, maybe if I start by listing what I know I can evaluate these things together, maybe piece them together in some sort of way and gain clarity. And there are always subsequent conclusions from pieces of a puzzle fitting together in a moment of clarity. I may draw more conclusions from the established "knowns" but then again I may not, right now it is trial-and-error, but let's just see where this goes:

1) The meaning of life has something to do with the idea that we are all connected to each other.
The thoughts and feelings and emotions and expression of everyone in relation to each other is important somehow.

2) You can never trust anyone farther than you can throw them.
So this is contradictory. If the meaning of life has everything to do with people in relation to each other but you are not capable of some sort of grounds at which you can rely on each other, then everyone is separated in a way that you can never truly get close to them even if you think you are.

3) Everything is contradictory.
There is always an exception to the rule, for everything! For example, what I know to be true about myself at least is that I am a walking condradiction. I say that you should go out and experience life but I'm still waiting for some miracle to come along to get my life started. It's sort of like I believe in making your own destiny but at the same time I think that something is coming and is meant to be and is worth waiting for. I can love someone but I cannot be loved in return and if I am I get offended, god knows why but I've realized this and it makes no sense whatsoever. (I guess that's pretty personal, but I'm trying to accept what I am to better understand other things.) And additionally, success is not what you think it is, neither is failure. I think we will have to define these things later.

4) Society as a whole doesn't realize what's really important.
Seeing is believing, right? What do you see around you. It's about cars and money, fame and fortune, sex and drugs, outer beauty, drama and scandal. But tell me something, are you worth a damn without all these things? Is this all you are, material things and stupid shit? Is there anything going on inside of you, do you feel at all? The answer is no, people like this have no concept at all of what is going on around them, they will never know what it means to be alive. I pray I never get lost in it, or for anyone I know and care about to get lost in this. It's a terrible thing to lose your soul and walk around as an empty shell, I've seen so many people cross over and just lose their fire and all their meaning. God kill me, should I ever lose my soul, my heart, everything about me that makes me alive that would surely be gone if I ever succumb to the petty bullshit that's around us. In fact I would probably kill myself if I ever wake up one morning and realize I am just like them.

5) They're not going to care what you could've been.
Yes I'll admit, I'm so afraid of dying right now because I feel like my life would have been a waste. Every time I feel like I'm going to die (which is alot of the time) I just pray to get another chance because I know that there is something more. Ambition to can't save you if you never do anything about it. You could be the most talented person in the world but if you waste that talent, it is in my opinion the sadest thing in the world. Most people miss out on life while they're busy making grand plans for it. These are quotes from somewhere, by the way, but I can't quote them because I don't know who said them or if I invented words along the way, but it's the idea of it. It makes me really nervous to be waiting for something to happen to me because what if I'm wrong and something never comes? Well that's why I'm not making "grand plans", I don't want to be closed-minded and miss out on something else. I always feel like I'm missing out on something. Well I guess life takes ambition, some talent, and a little bit of luck for that miracle of an opportunity to be successful. But that's according to me, and I still have yet to fully define my meaning of the word. But I'm always searching for meaning.

6) We are not alone.
As far as space goes, how can we be so egotistical to think that WE are the sole inhabitants of the universe? Doesn't surprise me though, everyone wants to think the world revolves around them, people are selfish. For the longest time we thought everything revolved around the Earth, I never would've believed that for a second. People who are ignorant only see what they see, and they never look into things further because they are too stupid and selfish to understand the world around them. It's easier just to sit back and concern yourself with yourself and not see the universe (or even the smallest things) for their possibilities. People become infatuated with superficial things when it's the only thing they can understand or relate to, and when those things are gone and have deserted them there is nothing, and they are nothing worth remembering. Another empty shell returning to dust in the wind. So then, what is space besides an infinite vacuum? Well since it apparently goes on forever it can hardly be defined in laments terms. But the way I see it, it's simply something so vast and beautiful, a miracle that is mostly unexplained... and the reason this is so is because it is supposed to fill you with wonder, makes you want to live, to know, to feel. I think all these things when I look up at the stars, maybe I'm meant to be up there. My head is always in the clouds anyway. But I've never been more fascinated with anything in my entire life.

7) I do what I feel is real in the moment, and that is the only way I know how to be.
I do what makes me happy, but most of the time I do what I do to make myself AND others happy. But when it comes down to it, I put the happiness of others in front of myself. I would die for the people I care about. I'm not sure why, it's just how it is. It scares me sometimes, so I pull away from people, but it doesn't mean I don't care. On the contrary, it means I care too much. I'm not sure what makes you selfless enough to die for your friends, perhaps the fact that I'm scared to death of being selfish.. because I see it so much in stupid people in the world, and I see it as a weakness. There's also the whole thing with me where I feel I have to portray a certain image all the time, not to be fake but to be strong and pulled together at all times. I never want to let anyone down.
But anyway, when it comes to living in the moment...
I have to dance, because it makes up for every freedom I ever felt I lost. When I feel trapped, I dance to be free. It makes every emotion I've ever known come out all at once, like love and hate at the same time. I dance because it's the only thing that gives me meaning, even if I don't make sense. I dance even when I know I'll lose, because I have everything and nothing to prove. There's a strange beauty in the sweat and the blood, the pain and the tears that leads to the passion that is all heart. However long I may search for meaning in Irish dancing I'm not sure I'll ever find a clear-cut explanation to say to others about why it means so much to me. There's more of an unspoken understanding between the soul of the dancer and the dancer themself that only another dancer can understand. Maybe the whole thing is that it doesn't have to have a clear-cut meaning; it is what you want it to be. The beauty of expression! There can be no price placed on that. You can have all the money in the world and be miserable and you can have nothing to live for with nothing to spare and have the fulfillment of a passion for life. Do what makes you feel alive, I would die for it. Dance in a room by yourself when no one's watching! There's something beautiful inside of everyone just waiting to break free, I know it.

So for now I'm just wandering about, wondering where I'm going with all this. Perhaps I'll reconfigure thoughts later...


**And if this is my mid-life crisis, does that mean I'll only live to be 36...? LOL