If you actually read this, you're crazy (and if you're not crazy already, it'll make you crazy).

Tomorrow could be gone. I'm just troubled that the end could come too soon, before I've had a chance to discover what it means to be alive. Right now I'm not sure where I'm going with my life at all, maybe it's because I'm afriad to make a move perchance it leads me down a road in the wrong direction. I don't want to live in fear. I want to find something out there that makes sense of me. How do you find meaning in a world of chaos? Hidden meaning within the the confusion is a hard concept to grasp, but if you can find it in your life I guess you make more sense of other things than most people. People say that taking drugs can reveal yourself to yourself... well i suppose you'd have to be high to look in on yourself because it can drive you crazy. Do you ever really know yourself? I'm not so sure anybody has the courage to see within themselves, to admit their faults and weaknesses and the raw truth about what makes up a person. If you can't understand yourself then how can you possibly begin to understand the reason for the existence of others, and everyone's relation to each other. I'm sure the explanation for everything lies within the relation of everyone to each other, and their interaction. Life is a series of events according to the outcome of action and reaction. It is absolutely necessary to recognize that we are somehow all connected.

So what does it mean to be successful in this world. Money... power... beauty? Anything superficial? Does this kind of "success" according to society today give you meaning? The answer is an emphatic no. Ask yourself this question, honestly answer this if you do nothing else. I can only use my life as an example, because it is all I know with my heart to be true:

Do you know what how it feels to have a passion, to live every day with a fire burning in the pit of your stomach that just keeps you alive? Do you know what it feels like to express every freedom that is inside of you in that moment, to open your soul to the only thing that feels right in the world to expression? People don't realize the beauty of expression, of art, of love, of freedom. There is such beauty inside everything, beyond money, power, society's view of success and of what is beautiful. THEY ARE MISTAKEN. If you do not know what it feels like to express beauty and give out to the world then what are you doing?

On my path to discovering life so far I have come to realize at least one thing, and it is that I cannot sit in an office all day and type and be quiet and make money, doing the same thing over and over and waste my life away in a corporate office. Life is not about making money for me, and I can tell right away this is going to get me in alot of trouble. I'll most likely be found in 10 years as a starving artist because I will always refuse any kind of hindrance to my creativity. And I assure you my creative expression is endless lol. So basically if anybody was wondering what the fuck I was doing, besides trying to make a decision on what I want to do with myself (which will never happen seeing as I can't make even the simplest of decisions), I am waiting for something amazing to come along so I can run with it. It's not at all that I'm lacking conviction, when I feel strongly about something I believe in it with everything inside of me, but I'm just looking for something to believe in right now. Something that will help me make a difference. Who knows if this "thing" will come to me, perhaps it's inside myself but I just have to figure that out. But I'll tell you one thing, I hate sitting around waiting for something to come, it's not my style. I want to get out there into the world, I want people to know me and know what I feel, I want to give back. There's so much inside of me threatening to burst out at any minute, there's so much I haven't experienced. I suppose we all feel like that when it really comes down to it. I have to DO something, I can't just sit here, I've always always hated the feeling of "just sitting there". I don't want to be another face in the crowd, another person you pass on the street. I don't want to die and be forgotten. I'm not looking for glory, or fame, or superficial successes, I'm just looking for meaning. For myself, but for everyone really. I'm not even sure I'll be capable of comprehending even if I find all the answers, which I doubt. I'm just searching for a small part of sense in existence, maybe if I can find meaning in my life I can give meaning in the lives of others.

So there's alot of things that don't make sense, maybe if I start by listing what I know I can evaluate these things together, maybe piece them together in some sort of way and gain clarity. And there are always subsequent conclusions from pieces of a puzzle fitting together in a moment of clarity. I may draw more conclusions from the established "knowns" but then again I may not, right now it is trial-and-error, but let's just see where this goes:

1) The meaning of life has something to do with the idea that we are all connected to each other.
The thoughts and feelings and emotions and expression of everyone in relation to each other is important somehow.

2) You can never trust anyone farther than you can throw them.
So this is contradictory. If the meaning of life has everything to do with people in relation to each other but you are not capable of some sort of grounds at which you can rely on each other, then everyone is separated in a way that you can never truly get close to them even if you think you are.

3) Everything is contradictory.
There is always an exception to the rule, for everything! For example, what I know to be true about myself at least is that I am a walking condradiction. I say that you should go out and experience life but I'm still waiting for some miracle to come along to get my life started. It's sort of like I believe in making your own destiny but at the same time I think that something is coming and is meant to be and is worth waiting for. I can love someone but I cannot be loved in return and if I am I get offended, god knows why but I've realized this and it makes no sense whatsoever. (I guess that's pretty personal, but I'm trying to accept what I am to better understand other things.) And additionally, success is not what you think it is, neither is failure. I think we will have to define these things later.

4) Society as a whole doesn't realize what's really important.
Seeing is believing, right? What do you see around you. It's about cars and money, fame and fortune, sex and drugs, outer beauty, drama and scandal. But tell me something, are you worth a damn without all these things? Is this all you are, material things and stupid shit? Is there anything going on inside of you, do you feel at all? The answer is no, people like this have no concept at all of what is going on around them, they will never know what it means to be alive. I pray I never get lost in it, or for anyone I know and care about to get lost in this. It's a terrible thing to lose your soul and walk around as an empty shell, I've seen so many people cross over and just lose their fire and all their meaning. God kill me, should I ever lose my soul, my heart, everything about me that makes me alive that would surely be gone if I ever succumb to the petty bullshit that's around us. In fact I would probably kill myself if I ever wake up one morning and realize I am just like them.

5) They're not going to care what you could've been.
Yes I'll admit, I'm so afraid of dying right now because I feel like my life would have been a waste. Every time I feel like I'm going to die (which is alot of the time) I just pray to get another chance because I know that there is something more. Ambition to can't save you if you never do anything about it. You could be the most talented person in the world but if you waste that talent, it is in my opinion the sadest thing in the world. Most people miss out on life while they're busy making grand plans for it. These are quotes from somewhere, by the way, but I can't quote them because I don't know who said them or if I invented words along the way, but it's the idea of it. It makes me really nervous to be waiting for something to happen to me because what if I'm wrong and something never comes? Well that's why I'm not making "grand plans", I don't want to be closed-minded and miss out on something else. I always feel like I'm missing out on something. Well I guess life takes ambition, some talent, and a little bit of luck for that miracle of an opportunity to be successful. But that's according to me, and I still have yet to fully define my meaning of the word. But I'm always searching for meaning.

6) We are not alone.
As far as space goes, how can we be so egotistical to think that WE are the sole inhabitants of the universe? Doesn't surprise me though, everyone wants to think the world revolves around them, people are selfish. For the longest time we thought everything revolved around the Earth, I never would've believed that for a second. People who are ignorant only see what they see, and they never look into things further because they are too stupid and selfish to understand the world around them. It's easier just to sit back and concern yourself with yourself and not see the universe (or even the smallest things) for their possibilities. People become infatuated with superficial things when it's the only thing they can understand or relate to, and when those things are gone and have deserted them there is nothing, and they are nothing worth remembering. Another empty shell returning to dust in the wind. So then, what is space besides an infinite vacuum? Well since it apparently goes on forever it can hardly be defined in laments terms. But the way I see it, it's simply something so vast and beautiful, a miracle that is mostly unexplained... and the reason this is so is because it is supposed to fill you with wonder, makes you want to live, to know, to feel. I think all these things when I look up at the stars, maybe I'm meant to be up there. My head is always in the clouds anyway. But I've never been more fascinated with anything in my entire life.

7) I do what I feel is real in the moment, and that is the only way I know how to be.
I do what makes me happy, but most of the time I do what I do to make myself AND others happy. But when it comes down to it, I put the happiness of others in front of myself. I would die for the people I care about. I'm not sure why, it's just how it is. It scares me sometimes, so I pull away from people, but it doesn't mean I don't care. On the contrary, it means I care too much. I'm not sure what makes you selfless enough to die for your friends, perhaps the fact that I'm scared to death of being selfish.. because I see it so much in stupid people in the world, and I see it as a weakness. There's also the whole thing with me where I feel I have to portray a certain image all the time, not to be fake but to be strong and pulled together at all times. I never want to let anyone down.
But anyway, when it comes to living in the moment...
I have to dance, because it makes up for every freedom I ever felt I lost. When I feel trapped, I dance to be free. It makes every emotion I've ever known come out all at once, like love and hate at the same time. I dance because it's the only thing that gives me meaning, even if I don't make sense. I dance even when I know I'll lose, because I have everything and nothing to prove. There's a strange beauty in the sweat and the blood, the pain and the tears that leads to the passion that is all heart. However long I may search for meaning in Irish dancing I'm not sure I'll ever find a clear-cut explanation to say to others about why it means so much to me. There's more of an unspoken understanding between the soul of the dancer and the dancer themself that only another dancer can understand. Maybe the whole thing is that it doesn't have to have a clear-cut meaning; it is what you want it to be. The beauty of expression! There can be no price placed on that. You can have all the money in the world and be miserable and you can have nothing to live for with nothing to spare and have the fulfillment of a passion for life. Do what makes you feel alive, I would die for it. Dance in a room by yourself when no one's watching! There's something beautiful inside of everyone just waiting to break free, I know it.

So for now I'm just wandering about, wondering where I'm going with all this. Perhaps I'll reconfigure thoughts later...


**And if this is my mid-life crisis, does that mean I'll only live to be 36...? LOL

The difference between sleep, & insomnia.

There are two strange things that happen to me when I finally sleep. Random memories from my childhood that I never knew I remembered return to me in dreams. I hate them, because they're nightmares. If you ever wondered why I suffer from such severe insomnia, this is why I fail to sleep. And whenI do finally, in my exhaustion manage to pass out, my mind does not. My mind never does. My dreams are wild and untamed windows into some of my most dreaded moments. In a subconscienceness my mind is unguarded against the horrible truths and painful scars that haunt me. That I've tried so hard to suppress. Against confessions I never thought I'd admit. Memories of these are in perfect focus and clear as crystal, just when I thought that I had erased them completely, at the very least made them fuzzy and staticky like a bad reception. Enough so that I wouldn't recognize a vision even if something triggered it. I'm deathly afriad to sleep in the night. I almost never do. I am only inclined in the slightest to sleep at all when I see evidence of a sunrise on my closet doors. Perhaps it has something to do with things that happened to me in the night when I was small. I try so hard to forget; it is to no avail. Your mind can run away with you if you're not watching. That's what I attempt to do, I try to watch over myself. Keep myself from remembering, because no one else can help me. No one can save me. In my dreams, I am very much alone.

The second peculiar occurrance is that I can see into the future. Odd, this I know, and I also know that you may be skeptical. At first I thought I was going crazy. Completely insane. Almost every day I am struck with a feeling of deja vous. I dream them first and think wow, that was a totally random thing to conjure up and then sooner or later they actually happen. And I'll just know, something will trigger it. It could be a smell or a place, a flash of light, pain even. And I'll just know what people will say next. What someone will do, what will happen - because I've been there before. I don't know why, it doesn't seem to have a purpose. As of yet they are just entire moments of randomness. Their cause is floating around in space somewhere. But there must be some point to it all. Why would I be given such useless information? I don't know. I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposd to do with it. A forward glimpse into people's actions and reactions. Sounds crazy.





A look into the tangled web of Marie's brain. I thank you most graciously for reading.

New Year's 2006..

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? I found people that actually believe my SAT score even though I am a fumbling idiot.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I tend not to make them anymore because I know I'll eat them anyway.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Well, the only person I know of is Javi, but she's not close to me... I mean we all know Mandi's probably a candidate here but she's got tons of illegitimate children, so who cares we're not counting anymore.

4. Did anyone close to you die? John White, R.I.P.

5. What countries did you visit? Well, I happened to venture into my wardrobe one dreadful rainy day, didn't trip over any moth balls or balls of any kind for that matter on the way in (pity), disturbed some peacfully hanging dead animal coats in there, got poked in the eye by a pine needle after I had been walking for some time and eventually came to realize I had stumbled into Narnia..?! Then, just for kicks, I called out Edmund's name 'cause i think he's hot, but he never answered. Now isn't that a dropkick in the love maker. I can't shake it anymore, it's so sad. I'll just have to shake something else in the meantime and hope it does the job. I'll just wait and see if love makers can be regenerated, or if in some way can regenerate themselves, although I have a haunting suspicion that they do not. Thanks you stupid dumb closet, you killed my dreams.

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? I would realllllly really like to NOT have stalkers, that'd be nice..yes. Dear Lord no more oppression for my black brothers and - hahaha what am I talking about SLAVERY! I APPROVE!!!

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January - New Year's. aka week of crazy Big Dan-hosted parties... goodness

February - my no-longer-jailbait-but-not-quite-legal-yet birthday yeah it sucked.

March - endless dance shows, as usual.. Riverdance!

April - An Rince Mor Spring Celebration<3 (ALSO "Spring Break....wooo.")

May - my first victory in Prelim :D

June - Dancing on stage with the Prodigals, the Patchogue House parties, my second victorious win qualifying me for Open Championship! yeyyy but most regrettably not in time for Nationals :(

July - Floridaaa...thereby missing, tragically, The Week of Insanity at the O'Donnells, and wishing I was at Nationals instead of this cheery sunny state of hell where sunburn attacks and annoying surfer boys hit on you every .005876587 of a second

August - rest in peace John White, goodbyes at Borders

September - Senior year begins oh love. Rediscover long lost school friends. Walk on the school roof at 3am in my underwear. Rediscover that I should be specially educated.

October - Chris Mayer lights Evan's entire backyard and himself on fire. ahhhhhh! I make a cheese sandwich 'cause I'm drunk(? surprise, surprise) and don't realize people and foliage and pools (yes, pools) are on fire. But thank God, he's alright.
gosh, Halloween. crashing crazy parties. alot of basement fog, de-rooting plants near basement window and proceeding to throw plants dirt and all into basement, party #1 shut down by mom, ghostbusters, scary people, pimps 'n hoes (as in I'm Mandi's P.I.M.P. and she be skankin' her ass and making me some cold hard cash), party #2 Kitchen Utensil war, keg, exploding light sticks, meeting the Milano cavalry hahaha oh my God what a night.

November - Thanksgiving Weekend ...you always remember the Oireachtas :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Finally qualifying for Open, omg! I've worked so long for this, I've dreamed of this moment, lived in fear that I would never live to see it..

9. What was your biggest failure? Just missing the cutoff date for Nationals, living in fear, losing myself to someone, not saying what I should've told you, letting you go..

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Ahhh yes, the hospital staff knows me. I set up my own ivs and take my own vitals. And I would always go home and go to a feis the next day lolollll

11. What was the best thing you bought? Without a doubt! little Paul's Secret Santa. The smile on his face was the best present I could ever recieve, ever.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I don't know, I love you ALL

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? mine at times, honestly. I like making myself depressed, sometimes i wallow in it. Rick's, like that's business as usual, but he can't help it he's a bastard. Mum for calling me fat every day. Michelle, for snorting crack and not caring. haha I guess what I'm trying to say here is...the family.

14. Where did most of your money go? To buying whores what I never have money this question is inapplicable.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Winning competitions, almost going to Nationals, being with my friends, placing at Oireachtas!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? ohh pssht God, there are several: the Whistle Song (san..tana...AYE!), Golddigger (She gotta bigass for' a white grrrrrl!), the Whisper Song (wait'll you see my SHIT!), Cascada (it's a rather disturbing addiction), every damn song from RENT (it's an obsession, I know all the lyrics by heart and I can sing the entire score. but then again I tend to do that with movies..)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? I have never been (and probably will never be) as happy as I was this time last year.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter, because last year I stopped eating..
iii. richer or poorer? "Oh, I got money, honey." ((snaps like oh-don't-go-there)) hahaaha Paul!!! bless you child, you still remember that! Yeah I've been poor and I still am lol. (Mandi must be slacking off, I'm lacking in income, rofls)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd realized what I had before it was gone or too late.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Being an old lady and having illegitimate children.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? Running around carolling and bringing about good cheer! no. First of all it already happened, and second of all it sucked ass.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? This is a weird situation. It's more like, still...

23. How many one-night stands? 897634985634975638659384592365982364596 of them. Shut up, I'm spreading AIDS awareness. or maybe I'm just spreading AIDS. Sorry if I caught ya, just pick up an HIV test from Evan Larocca he's got loads. It won't necessarily keep you from dying, but it will however determine whether you're a nigger or not. It's a good bit of information to know when you plan on walking around places and don't want to get shot.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Well I started watching reruns of Wildfire and I actually kinda like it?? I also pride myself on Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place because they're great to make fun of, and Saved By the Bell every damn morning to distract me while my mum and sister are fighting.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Several people who hate me for no reason and compare themselves to me tend to make me dislike them.

26. What was the best book you read? iuhdfvliuhslghlhiug oh wow books I love them

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? RENT!

28. What did you want and get? a trip to the moon

29. What did you want and not get? my dignity?!

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Sin City, RENT!, "YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!!!!", Ninja Turtles number twooo (go ninja go ninja go! ninja ninja rrrrrrrap!)

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I went to Dan's house (why?), drove around with Mandi and Javi and a bunch of potheads (again, whyy?? I ask) to the beach where it started to snow (the only highlight of my night), counted down the minutes to 12 am, went home crawled in a corner and cried. And wished myself Happy Birthday. and then I turned 17.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not feeling like I wanted to shoot myself, not missing my friends that I love

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? poodlesox plaid shorts and
now everything an rince mor clothing whahaa!

34. What kept you sane? But I am NOT sane!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Padraig mwahahaha, Edmund, sexy-face-guy from Riverdance.. oh the rest of them are girlss...

36. What political issue stirred you the most? mmmha! I do not stir for political issues. If they haff an issue, they can just grab a damn tissue, or well... it's just too damn bad. A nose in need deserves Puffs, indeed.

37. Who did you miss? Erin and Kerri and all the away-people.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Have you met my imaginary friend, Charmelious Henri Genstent VII ??

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: "procrastination is like masterbation. if you wait too long you miss out, and in the end you're just fucking yourself." aaahahaha WTF.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

The heart may freeze
or it can burn,
The pain will ease
if I can learn,
There is no future
there is no past,
I live this moment as my last..

There's only us,
There's only this
Forget regret,
or life is your's to miss
No other path,
No other way
No day but today...

Oireachtas '05, reminiscing, and a never-fail opportunity to shed a tear..

There lies quite a bit of nostalgia for me in the number twelve right now. For my twelfth birthday, I became an irish dancer. And it was that moment when I first stepped though those tall barn doors that February that my world would change forever. It was, singularly, the greatest present I could have ever received; the family, the love I had never known had instantaneously appeared in front of me that day. And I was almost twelve, just a few more days, had I only the ability to even fathom almost a smidgeon of what I was getting myself into, what I had found….beauty so resilient, it would keep me alive, and keep me so.

And after a short while, I met you, Erin, my first official friend within An Rince Mor. I felt this kinda made me official, a real part of something, one of the party, like now I was invited or something …you were my first family. From that point on I looked up to you so much, being the younger family member and all, and I wasn’t entirely sure if I liked you the most because everyone else hated me, or because you were really cool (haha), but I could honestly say that if I had had the chance to single out my role model, I still would’ve picked you anyway. Your mom said once that you didn’t have any natural talent. Well if that is so, then WHO CARES?? Take a look and see where ‘no natural talent’ has brought you. I do not know another person with the same grace and talent you possess. You could take on anyone, you could take on the world! and come out on top..
People ask if we’re twins I believe because I talk about you so much and share our funny stories, heck, some that even aren’t mine… and when they finally meet you they’re thinking “oh my gosh, I’ve heard so much about you I think I know you”. Erin! What on EARTH would I do without you?! You were my friend when no one else was, when everyone else thought that I was weird and made funny faces, and that I thought I was better than everyone. And you still love me now, when I’m crazy retarded. I think I even make you crazy retarded. Because you know, if you stay on the short bus with me, we might end up driving it someday. And perhaps we’ll take Kristine and Kerri and Sarah along for the ride. I mean, we’re already rolling with these hott losers anyway, why not roll up all together now gangstas in our ghetto-as-fuck mini bus. :P
By the way, since you speak French too, I will say it: Je t’adore!

After a while, inevitability brought me to encounter the precious jewel we like to call Sarah. Somehow we ended up in the same Prizewinner class, at least I’m pretty sure it was, and the competition began (lol) or so to speak. For some reason, we felt as if we had to compete during class time for Peggy’s attention, and although I always thought you were better than me Sarah, I never showed it. However my plan to look threatening sadly backfired in my facial expression, which instead looked rather to the effect of an angry, deeply disturbed child, all of which added to the suspicions of other fellow dancers that I was completely in love with myself. The fact of the matter is, I was terribly insecure, and you all seemed ‘a part of the family’ already, I knew I just didn’t fit. You’ve helped me in ways you can only imagine, my friend, for each subsequent class I would challenge myself to get my leg a little higher, my steps a little stronger, just so I could keep up with you. And look at both of us now. We’re both fucking champions. Who would’ve guessed?! I thank you…so much for that. And I’m even more glad that the only competition is friendly competition now. I just figure that within families, there's always some sibling rivalry. I’ve always thought you were a beautiful dancer, you have something special going for you, some real natural talent. I can only hope I will see you in Open, on da flip sideee. Because I know for a fact you’ve got it in ya. If I can manage it, you most certainly can. Oh yeah, and you know I love ya, you sexy beast.

And by some weird twist of fate, a person just as weird was added to the picture. I was pretty skeptical of you, Kerri, at first glance. I was sure you would put me down right away. Nevertheless, as I got to know you over the weeks before your first Oireachtas, I began to see how hard-working and dedicated you really were for the first time. And I respected you so much after that. You are a strong dancer, and you could be so amazing if you just put your mind and your heart into it, which I know you do. You’re almost always the mature one, keeping things and us in line, and watching out for our stupid asses. At times you can be completely random and crazy, and I love ya for that. And we can rant about Dan allll day without interruption. And Heather Hanson, hahahaa. Or about how the two are the same person, or have the same stars or whatever the freak it was. But seriously. You always bring me back to earth when my head is up in the clouds, and you always help me reach the realization that things are not as bad as they seem. You are basically my most trusted confidant! When something happens, I tell you about it. And I always receive the most honest, blatant answer I can get. Not to mention, the best advice, you’re like a wise old owl, how do you see and know all? Because you tell me things before I even know them about myself haha. Or you tell Erin and I find out eventually. Anyway. I see reality through you, Kerri, when I cannot count on myself to deliver that same view even though I know I need to. I can rest assured knowing I can count on you to keep a secret, or to lean on in tough situations. Don’t ever change Kerrio, I love you just the way you are!

Finally, the lovely Kristine Kelly came into my life. And I can’t imagine now not being her friend, or going to dance or anywhere for that matter without having the time of my life and laughing our asses off together about probably nothing. Kristineeeee! My love. You light up my life. You are like the sun in my sky, without you, the world would be dark! I seriously think we are soul-friends, and even if we have founded BIG BUTTS ANONYMOUS FOR GANGSTA PIMPETTES, we always dance our butts off and you know, the bigger, the betta. and Oh my god, when you dance?! What words in the elaborate English language can I give to you?? You are a gorgeous dancer, you float as if there was no floor, and every lift and every batter is like another piece of perfection. I love to watch you show ‘em up at feises, because it’s always like ‘this is KRIStine, and THIS is how we DO’. ROFLS. You are seriously one of my best friends, and I wish I could hang out with you every day and be a part of your family, but I’ll have to settle for being your other leg and a part of the Armcrew, which is simply wonderful in itself. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? I love ya with all of my heart, and your pain is my pain. Jon betta watch out, ‘cause he will, as Kerri says, get “ripped a new one” if he hurts you at ALL like I’m not fucking kidding. When we go to college, I will think of you every day and cry my eyes out if we’re not close. Do you remember we picked out each other’s haircolor to dye our hair when it gets grey, when we grow old together?! Ahhhhh! You mean the world to me, if there’s anything in my life I treasure, it’s you. And I treasure our time together, I don’t take one minute for granted because we don’t see each other as much anymore, and it’s pitiful. I doubt it’s anyone’s fault, it just sucks. But just know no matter what happens, no matter what directions we go, even if they’re totally opposite, you will always have at least one friend that will love you absolutely forever and would do anything at all in the entire world for you. I ADORE YOU!

So now, many years later from my twelfth year to twelfth grade, I have grown and changed, become more open with people and learned the value of family may rest in places where you least expect it. You girls, first and foremost, are the most important things in my life…for you are what makes dance what it is. Without you, dance for me would not be a love, it would merely be an ominous obsession. I thank each of you people, who are so close to my heart, for what you have given me.

and to keep up with the theme of twelve, there are twelve things I think you should know before attending this year’s 2005 Eastern Regional Oireachtas, ready?:

1) don’t worry about the crowd; do it for Peggy and make yourself proud
2) basics are key! feet out, legs crossed, remember to breathe
3) don’t practice too hard, or relax too much, mentality can get you through hard times, and such
4) fear may not take lead, for you possess true friends in your need
5) smile! it adds to a good kind of style
6) “ Irish dancing’s good for the soul, but not for the sole.”
7) “ We put the ‘rock’ in ‘Oireachtas’ ”
8) "A good dancer has the posture that can say I have presence, and you are dirt. Especially when they forget to smile."
9) This IS the Armcrew…” you know how we DO.”
10) “ What comes after part B? Part…..C?”
11) “ What comes after part D? Part EEE!” (this one makes sense!)
12) We’re gangSTARS. We roll with the hottest.

With all that being said….good luck girls. I love you guys.

that's mee :) 

contemplating happens as a direct result of boredom.

There's something so unequivocally moving to me about the sight of our closest star at the the edge of the Earth that quiets my soul. Of late however, I've found my conciousness relies rather on its absence. So it is no wonder that I've not seen much of the light of day at all for at least two weeks now, and I'm not sure if this makes me a lunatic. What I do know, in any case, is that a statement declaring my sanity is not entirely plausible. I would be highly concerned for anyone having vivid dreams of conversations with people, and then actually experiencing them the very next day (well, night...for the people of a noctournal nature!). Every night I tend to feel a little more lost...like I'm missing something, a part of me? I don't know really. If someone could help me out here, I'm sure - to you I'd be much obliged. I've always been the kind to do something on a whim, but most recently there's been nothing to do...and maybe that's cramping my style a little bit..? I find myself on the beach time and time again in the morning, just watching the sunrise while the people I've ventured with play in the water, and take no notice. I don't know what it is about it that leaves me in such awe. It's patient. Gentle, sincere. I have not seen those qualities often. Here, I'm not even describing a person, and I know that it's sad. I feel something I can't express with words of either analogy or example while I sit alone and witness the sun's last moments of contact with the Earth. Maybe it's that I wish I had someone to share it with. Is there anyone who could watch as well, without the need for words and yet feel and know and understand what I am feeling? I wish someone would try it at least, haha. I just love watching the stars fade into the sky, and wonder where they're going. I mean, technically they are still there...and in the same location; the same distance in relation to each other. The only factors between us and the stars is at the fault of oxygen and nitrogen that diffuse the blue hue wavelength reflected up to ten times more from the ocean to condensation nuclei in the atmosphere and back down again to Earth, aka the illusion of a dome of color, the sky...plus light pollution and what have you, but really..enough technicalities already. I want to wonder, so let me do it. I always get the 'technical answer' response, and get preached at about what makes the most sense...what's the most reasonable and responsible thing to do in the world. Well fuck that! Tell me, would you not rather be free and find your own way? I live for it. I'd die for it, too. Let me know if this starts lacking any sense at all. Okay?

Horgan, the Horrible.

There are not enough choice explicatives in the world to sufficiently scold these people. First of all, there are some dancers you can tell are out of their league in a competition simply by looking at them, given away by their horrendous slump of a posture, the highly suspicious inwardly angle of the feet that are so far out in the other direction it would suggest broken bones, and just the way they carry themselves....or rather, in retrospect, the way the don't. Or, rather, the utter confusion they express when they try. Not to mention the blank stupidity written across their face characterized by vacant eyes and a wide-ass, ludicrous smile that only further decribes their idiocy if you haven't already noticed before that they were an ignoramous. It is clear they have no comprehension of who they are and what they are doing there...and then you begin to wonder if they are literally retarded after they start laughing at nothing in particular and talking to themselves. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the young man that took first today. I'm sure he freakin' pissed his pants when he heard the news, because he sure as hell has never gotten first before in his life and will likely never acheive such an honor ever again, unless he returns to this stupid feis next year. Which now brings me to my second point: THIS WAS HIS SCHOOL FEIS. As it was the school feis for ALL THE OTHER FIRST PLACE WINNERS IN PRELIMINARY. (and I don't even know about the other levels.)

A WORD OF WARNING TO ALL OF YOU SIGNING UP FOR FEISES IN THE FUTURE: ABSTAIN FROM APPLYING TO HORGAN'S SCHOOL FEIS. THEY ARE COMPLETE JACKASSES. DO NOT MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELVES AND GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY.

I'm not even finished yet. The clever Horgan committee running the feis made absolutely fucking certain to place all their clearly inept dancers, and did not even attempt to be sneaky about it like Petri does at their feises. They claim to have done all the calculations BY HAND because of a lack of the proper computer software, which is a wide load of horse shit. These motherfuckers had already decided who they were placing, and arranged the results to comply. And then they brainlessly stuck some of the other deserving dancers at random in the lineup, exeedingly careful not to place them first. This left some qualified people out of the running altogether. For example, my own competition. There were seven dancers, three of them for the Horgan school, including this aforementioned boy, in particular. It seemed suprising to most onlookers that they had even passed for Prizewinners. And yet by some grand miracle of life, they took first, third, and fourth as well. The single deserving dancer placed took second, which falls into what I was saying before about the random interjection of some good people. I suppose this was a desperate attempt to make it appear as though it "wasn't that obvious", despite the fact it was the most conspicuous thing you have ever seen. Oh boy, and here's the best part! : they don't even give you your marks there, you have to SEND THEM THREE FUCKING DOLLARS IN AN ENVELOPE AND WAIT TWO MONTHS TO GET THIS BOGUS PIECE OF SHIT. BECAUSE THE RESULTS WERE NEVER CALCULATED. THEY WERE NOT EVEN REAL. THEY MIGHT AS WELL NOT EVEN HAVE HAD JUDGES THERE, WHAT IS THE POINT?! (It kinda reminds me of the time at a feis in like oceanside or someplace where they claimed to have "lost" the marks in the trash, and were amazingly located again many agonizing hours later, when in actuality the entire thing was staged for certain people to win.) It was out of sheer curiosity as to what my remarks would entail that I sent these motherfuckers three of my american dollars, unfortunately enough to their benefit.

We even witnessed the judges fighting right in front of everyone, apparently referring to the discrepencies regarding the top placement. And this may sound weird to you, but I was glad to see it; at least not all the judges are so easily persuaded. The whole time as I was packing my things, I was sincerely wondering how anyone could do something so disgraceful. It seemed utterly disgusting to me how some people can stoop so low. The injustice of the world ! I really cannot stand to take peoples shit any longer, especially in realation to something that I take so seriously, something that means so much to me and is such a large part of my life. It just so happens that I WANT to EARN my place, and I can NOT afford to have something like this happen to me, not now. Blasphemy ! You people should really be ashamed of yourselves, if you only knew half the shame I felt for you ! And as I was leaving the loathed premesis, I felt kinda sorry for them; the only way their students would ever place is if they fixed their own feis. And as I called myself an idiot aloud, i decided to shut up before I appeared to the world just about as crazy as that boy.